1. A jump lead walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
2. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

David Bruce & Clive Watson doing their weekly quality control checks!
 

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool
and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"!

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just
fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

First - The bartender is a blonde girl.
Second - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Third - I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Fourth - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
And Fifth - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 

A blonde walks up to a soft drinks machine and puts in a few coins. She
pushes the button of her choice and a coke comes out. She then proceeds to
do it again, and once again a coke comes out. The blonde continues to do
this until a long line forms behind her. The man right behind her then taps
her on the shoulder and says "Hey, can you get out of here... some of us
would like something to drink too." The blonde turns around and says, "Walk
away while I'm winning?"
 

This sailor walks into a bar with the steering wheel of a ship sticking
out of the zipper of his trousers. The bartender says, "Hey, there is a
steering wheel sticking out of your zip." The sailor replies, "Aaarrrgh,
and it's driving me nuts."

Proudly showing off his new semi to a couple of his friends late one night
the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong.
It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked
his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How does it work?" the second
guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer,
gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at
one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall
screamed "For god's sake, you idiot....it's ten past three in the morning!"

A man stumbles into a bar and there is only one other person in, so he
asks if he would like a drink. "Why of course" is the reply. The first man
asks where are you from? "I'm from Ireland replies the second". "You don't
say, I'm from Ireland also", lets have a drink to Ireland. "Why of course"
is the reply.
The first man then asks where in Ireland are you from? "I'm
from Dublin replies the second". "You don't say, I'm from Dublin also",
lets have a drink to Dublin, they both pour back their drinks. The second
man then asks what school did you go to in Dublin? "I went to St Marys
replies the second". "You don't say, I went to St Marys also, lets have a
drink to St Marys, they both pour back their drinks again. The first man
then asks what year did you graduate? "'62 replies the second". "You don't
say, I graduated in '62 also, amazing", lets have a drink to '62, they both
pour back their drinks.
A third man enters and asks what is going on with
the drunks, the bartender says "oh its the O'Mally twins in again"
 

Apologies to you wonderful blonde girls!

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.

The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the centre is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

 

A Cautionary Warning! ~ Thanks to Lisa!

Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub
regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new product on the market, called "beer," is used by females to target unsuspecting men.

The product is generally found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, usually with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as a "marriage relationship." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Public House" in the yellow pages.
 

Some thoughts on Beer - compiled by Ed Dyer

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink his beer an let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

by Jack Handy

 -------------------------
I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Frank Sinatra

-------------------------
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

 W.C. Fields

 -------------------------

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henry Youngman

 -------------------------
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Benjamin Franklin

Please remember, have a laugh ....... but DON'T drink and drive
 

Some humorous(?) pieces from Ron Meredith!

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yesterday, scientists for Health, Canada, suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.To test the finding, 100 men were fed 10pints of beer each. It was then observed that:

100% of the men gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense,
became overly emotional,
couldn't drive,
failed to think rationally,
argued over nothing, and
refused to apologise when wrong.

In view of the findings, no further testing is planned.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first!".

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six
months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."

The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father,' tis I."

"And who might be the woman you were with?"

"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. That will be 5 Hail Mary's & a Fiver in the poor box. Be off with you now.

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five more good leads for tonight after we've had a few pints !" says Tommy.
 

The Meaning of Life

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front
of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in
diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed
that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the
open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar
was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your
life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your
health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only
they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house,
your car.
The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into
the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same
goes for your life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never
have room for the things that are important to you.

But then...
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor
agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the
beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is:- no matter how full your life is, there is
always room for BEER!